Diary 7

September 16, 2015

0759: Today is Mexican Independence Day. I found this history in the International Business Times interesting:

"The origins of Mexican Independence Day date from 1810, 

when Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla, a priest in the small 

town of Dolores, issued El Grito de Dolores, or 'the Cry of Dolores.'"

The only context I'd ever heard the word "grito" in is that high-pitched cry you hear mariachis do, so that was insightful. (You can also hear it in the background of this Metalachi video, if you have more time.)

Anyway, good morning. Happy Independence Day if it applies to you.

I forgot to take out the trash, so there is a bag containing chicken bones inside the wheelie bin in the garage. That is likely to be super gross right now and will be off the charts by Saturday. I'm setting a reminder to take out the trash then. I also keep forgetting to turn up my alarm on my phone when I go to bed; it's no good that today's wake up call was the sound of a garbage truck picking up my neighbor's trash and reminding me that it's too late to dash out and put out my own.

Grateful for: A working immune system.

Diary 6

September 15, 2015

0922: I feel worse today. Everything inside the right side of my head feels vaguely swollen & achy. I'm running a low-grade fever. My throat is sore, but I'm not sure whether it's from something I'm fighting or having to swallow those monster Lysine supplements. I'm still using Abreva every two hours. I can't imagine that I will get through this on only one tube, and those suckers are $20 each.

An old friend from about 20 years ago contacted me, and we have been emailing back and forth a bit. I'm dropping little hints that I'm not the same person I was then. I weigh way more, I'm not nearly as active, and I don't even have a paying job right now. I have not even broached the subject of politics. I'm probably not going to let it get that far. I am not very good at keeping up with friends, and he lives far away, anyway. Which is for the best, in my opinion. No offense to him, but I'm not interested. I'm not interested in much of anything, to be honest.

I used to use sex as a motivator. When we ran in basic training, I would take my mind off of it by fantasizing about cute guys. In my 20s and 30s, I would use the possibility of bringing someone home as a motivator to clean my apartment (not one-night stands, I would go out with groups of coworkers and someone I'd had my eye on would inevitably be in the group--bringing someone home would always result in dating or a friends-with-benefits situation). These days, I can't even imagine getting involved with someone. I've been single & celibate for about a year and a half. I'm fine with that.

I was about to say, "relationships take too much energy," but then I thought, "what else am I using that energy for?" Funny, right? Not a goddamned thing. So I guess that makes me lazy, not efficient.

Speaking of laziness, I have a full weekend of lawn work planned. When I say "a full weekend," I mean two mornings in a row. We are considering going to the Home Show at the Alamodome on Friday just to get out of the house. Oh my gosh, I just remembered that simply walking from the parking lot is about a quarter mile, never mind walking around inside then walking back to the car. Maybe I'll try to dissuade Mom from going after all. I should never have suggested it to her. I feel so bad for her having to live with rheumatoid arthritis. Here I am laid up because of a cold sore. Geez.

1237: You may have noticed that I'm not staying off of Twitter during the hours I'm supposed to. I have lots of excuses for that, but I'm sure I've covered them already. Anyway, I've been feeling unmotivated and sick. So I'm doing two things today to get unstuck:

1. Listened to an episode of the  ProYou Podcast. I haven't listened to it in a long time, but I really like the kind approach that Tom Deters & John Moretti take to educating listeners about fitness.

The episode I chose to listen to today is #14: Food Addiction. After explaining that sometimes overeating isn't just about a lack of self-control, they encouraged people who might have food addictions to seek professional help to address the underlying issues that lead to overeating. Once they wrapped that topic up, they talk about the dangers of overindulging in sugar and sodium.

Hearing what they had to say about sugar reminded me that between 2012 and 2014 I had lost a lot of weight and felt way better when I cut way back on sugar. I've already begun cutting back again (obviously, I mean post-Great Cheesecake Binge of 2015, a.k.a. GCB15) by not buying bread, staying away from obvious sweets, and avoiding the temptation to eat handfuls of semi-sweet morsels straight from the bag in the freezer. We've also been making suppers that don't include a starch. But the key is consistency (as Tom & John preach often).

Tom & John suggest that one way to keep yourself accountable is to choose a number of carbs you'll eat for the day, then stick with that. I used to read a lot of the Keto subreddit, and their recommended limit is 20-50 grams (net) of carbs per day. I met a woman once who had low-carb'd her way down from a weight of 300-something pounds, and the limit she set for her self was 100g (no idea whether it was net or gross).

I'm not sure what's right for me yet. My labs were actually better after I quit extreme low carb and had gained back all my weight. I think Keto probably isn't for me, and maybe I should be eating more of a South Beach Diet-type of...diet. And I haven't been diligent about journaling my meals, so I have no idea where my daily carb count truly stands. I'm sure I "should" do that.

Anyway, listening to a single episode today gave me a shot of motivation to pay more attention to how my decisions today will affect my future self.

2. Registered for my next certification exam--September 30th is the day. Hopefully this will put the fear into me to actually study. I've written off the Net+ exam a bit, accepting the fact that I'm going to have to pay for my own retake. This takes a bit of pressure off of me while freeing me up to move on to study for the next exam since I have one voucher expiring each month through December.

The past three days I've posted "Diary" entries, they have probably been just chronicles of failures. I'm not going to look back at them right now since I actually sort of remember the past three or four days just fine. I will try to add an accomplishments TL;DR and/or a list of things for which I'm grateful. I'm sure that sounds very Oprah. Too bad. There is too much negativity and snark in my face when I read current events and social media and, as much as I adore snark, maybe it's not the best thing to pump into my eyeballs and brain right before bed.

Speaking of weight loss, mindfulness, and positivity, check out my Twitter pal Delores Curtis. She is 60 years old and lost 180lbs through diet and exercise. Judging by her frequent posts on Instagram and Twitter, she never lets herself forget that the daily choices she makes could put her right back where she started. Thanks for being an inspiration, Dee!

2205: Tonight I'm grateful for being eligible for VA healthcare. I wish nobody had to worry about how they would pay for their basic healthcare needs.

Diary 5

September 14, 2015

1012: Yesterday I drove Mom to a town a couple hours away for a funeral. I didn't buy any sugar snacks at the gas stations along the way. That is a major victory. I did eat a bag of those "Cheddar Bacon & Cheese" Lays, though, with diet soda. Anyway, still counting it as a victory. Also, I didn't eat breakfast (wasn't hungry) and didn't finish my lunch. I ate supper around 6 p.m. on the way home and didn't eat anything once I was home. Really, a very good day in terms of portion control considering how much I ate during the Great Cheesecake Binge of 2015.

We picked up the stuff for some kind of crock pot broccoli beef concoction for supper this evening, so portion control should be easy. I've never made it before, and from the recipe, it sounds just "okay."

I've decided that if I'm not hungry, I'm not going to eat. That is, I'm not going to eat breakfast just because I "should." I'm not going to eat everything on the plate just to avoid "waste." My fridge works fine, I'm sure it'll be ok to wait until lunch tomorrow to finish off anything I didn't want today. A way for procrastination to finally pay off. Ha!

I realize I haven't been keeping to my schedule thing I set up last week. It looks like I might have identified some important things, though:

• I am more ambitious/motivated in the one to two weeks before my period. 
• My appetite is off the charts during the week before my period.
• My appetite is very low after my period starts.

Let's see if it holds true next month. Maybe I can figure out how to put that to good use.

The weather here was nice and cool this morning, maybe down in to the 60s. I didn't check to see for sure. It was cool enough to sprinkle a little pumpkin pie spice into my milk-splashed coffee, though! And you know what? It tasted good even without sugar or any sweetener.

My cold sore looks disgusting. I completely forgot that I have health coverage and that people actually go to the doctor and are written prescriptions for cold sores. So I'm goin

Diary 4

September 12, 2015

1118: Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy, but I'm not going to talk much about that here. Suffice to say I mourned for all the innocent strangers lost on that day and that we should never forget and remain vigilant not only of homeland security but also of those who seek to infringe upon our rights in the name of homeland security.

The Great Cheesecake Binge of 2015 is over. My appetite is significantly smaller today than it's been in probably a month. I didn't want breakfast, and it's already almost lunchtime, and I don't feel hungry.

The day I bought the cheesecake (September 9th), I felt super tired and unmotivated. I've felt like that every day since. I couldn't figure out why, other than PMS. Then yesterday I woke up with the mother of all cold sores. Oh! You mean my body was fighting an infection PLUS PMS, and I didn't know it? Well, that makes total sense. So I broke out the Lysine and have begun dosing myself. I was in quite a bit of pain yesterday and still felt really tired but it has subsided a lot today, and I feel a bit better.

I'm hoping that by recommitting to what I originally set out to do, even if I have to recommit over and over, eventually it will stick. Like I said, at least the first few days weren't zero days. That's something.

Me trying to get my life together (Vine by @_LandonMoss) https://t.co/4vHVo4bsed

— Lolo Jones (@lolojones) September 10, 2015

Speaking of tweets, I saw another one this morning that made me say, "Wow!" It's an article on Time.com that begins, "Changing your environment is the easiest and most powerful way to change your behavior." It's not talking about running away from problems by moving to another city, though I guess that could work depending on the circumstances. It's partially talking about viewing your life objectively, as if you're judging someone else's life, so that you can advise yourself more wisely.

Diary 3

September 9, 2015

0828: Woke up at 0640 after hitting snooze for about ten minutes. I need to change my alarm to 0600 or maybe 0540 so I'll be up by 6.

Anyway, managed to knock my lamp off my bedside table, cracking the lampshade. Great way to start the day!

Remembered to take the wheelie bin to the street in time for the garbage truck.

Had an Herbalife shake with an extra tablespoon of protein powder & some espresso powder blended in.

Mom came down around 0730 and we found that the coffeemaker doesn't work anymore. I guess the heating element is borked. I checked online, and the articles I found said it might be a fuse, but that it's not something a normal consumer should try to fix. It costs just as much to have that fixed as it does to buy a new coffeemaker, so I went to consumerreports.org, found the coffeemaker with the highest rating that also had a two-digit price, ensured it had the features I wanted, opened my Amazaon app, searched for the model, found a vendor who had tagged it as Prime, and ordered it with free two-day shipping. It all took about 15 minutes and way less gasoline than it would take driving from store to store to find one that kinda sounded ok.

I also remembered to spray the wasps' nests that I found on the fence post when I mowed the other day. I think I screwed up, because at least one of the nests was mud daubers. I should've left it alone since the yellow jackets seem to have driven the mud daubers out of their usual haunts this year. I shouldn't feel so emotional about it. I'm sure there are plenty of mud daubers in the field behind the house.

Anyway, I'm only an hour behind my schedule today instead of two. Yesterday when I realized that I was beginning to internalize the material I've been studying, I knew it would be easier to get out of bed this morning. Today is the first day since I've begun this journey that I have hit snooze instead of just turning off the alarm and continuing to sleep until the dogs woke me up for breakfast.

1411: Jesus. After the last entry, I did pretty well. Did some "exercising"--that is, I danced to the Dance Cardio station on Pandora for half an hour--then showered. After that, I took some progress pics for PocketDerm and answered an email from a lady who is a good contact for job hunting. That led to getting lost in the internet job search pit for a while, which made me depressed and hungry, so I ate lunch and began to feel really tired.

I decided to lie on the couch for an hour and a half. I even set an alarm. Did I get up when the alarm went off? No. Instead I googled a couple things I was curious about, Tweeted one of the things, then absentmindedly began to retweet stuff. OOPS. Caught myself, closed Twitter. Whew. That could've taken up hours.

Now I'm sitting here wondering why I feel so dang tired. I woke up a few times last night, but I had a decent amount of sleep. Fitbit says it added up to about nine hours. NINE HOURS, and I feel sooo super sluggish. WHY???? I need to go back to low carb. This is ridiculous. I can't remember whether I took any Xenadrine this morning, but it's too late in the day to take it now. I definitely took my multivitamin & (doctor-advised) Vitamin D supplement. I took an iron supplement yesterday, so my next dose is tomorrow; low iron shouldn't be the issue. I haven't been eating a lot of sugar. I've had maybe one small handful of semisweet morsels a day--if any--because I'm premenstrual and I was feeling sorry for myself. Now I want cheesecake. Maybe the sluggishness is due to being premenstrual. In any case, I might go for the cheesecake. I want a big one, and I don't feel like sharing. I want cherry pie filling on top. And a big glass of unsweetened iced tea to go with it.

I guess I can count corn, rice, mashed potatoes, and bread in the sugar category. And regular peanut butter. OMFG and those shakes in the morning. I'm a ditz. And yes, I was journaling this stuff in MFP. Monday: 241g carbs. Tuesday: 204g (plus a handful of semisweet morsels that I didn't journal). Today: 78g so far. That's not a lot, is it? I mean, it's not low carb or keto, but it's not crazy. I've been eating similarly (not journaling) for weeks, so I don't think it's any kind of keto induction that's making me sluggish.

 I was hoping to gradually make my meals smaller and change the ratio of carbs to lower carb foods. Maybe I need to just stop eating carbs. But I do want that cheesecake first. If only I could muster the energy to drive to the store.

September 12, 2015

Postscript: Bought a 16-slice cheesecake & three cans of cherry pie filling. Ate it all in less than 48 hours, minus the two pieces & their corresponding pie filling that Mom wanted. I didn't study at all on September 9, September 10, or September 11.

Diary 2

September 8, 2015

0830: I'm up. Didn't sleep well. Woke up hungry around 0115. Ate a peanut butter sandwich.

0955: Fell down the "job search browsing" well. 

1132: Danced for about half an hour, did five sets of ten crunches, and did four sets of ten counter push-ups. Probably only the last two sets count since my form was wrong for the first two. Showered. I kept getting side-tracked this morning looking at job posts online, lamenting that I'm not qualified. Yet I'm still procrastinating studying.

1523: Studied after last entry. Didn't break for lunch til about 1430. Had leftover curry/rice/corn and a salad (romaine, tomato, cucumber, red onion, black pepper, ranch). I need to make more of an effort to cut back on carbs as I seem to have lost all motivation to study after lunch.

September 9, 2015

Postscript:
Studied quite a bit yesterday. Things are starting to click, but I have a long way to go. We had supper at 6 p.m. We had fried chicken (just skin-on, bone-in wings, deep fried with no breading), steamed okra, and leftover mashed potatoes for supper. I don't know why it seems so important to journal what I ate. Anyway, went to bed at 8 p.m. Fell asleep pretty easily, but then woke up hungry at 10 p.m. Had a hard time going back to sleep, but I finally did. No idea what time it was.

Diary 1

September 7, 2015

0812: I came up with a schedule. Obviously, it is taking as much effort to stick to as I thought it would (and dreaded), because I totally turned of my alarm this morning and am just now having breakfast. Breakfast, by the way, is an Herbalife shake with espresso powder mixed in. While it does contain sugar, it is not a huge meal, and that is what I'm going for right now: portion control. No, I don't sell Herbalife. I did use it to lose 30 lbs once, though, so I still have some lying around. Anyway, here's the first draft of my schedule.

See, it's past 8 a.m., and I'm having coffee/breakfast and blogging rather than studying. BUT I did close Twitter at 8 a.m. in accordance with the rule I made yesterday of no Twitter, Netflix, or TV between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. AND yesterday I did not use Twitter or Netflix (actually, it turned out to be Amazon Instant then Netflix) until 6 p.m.

We had chicken curry, rice, and corn (for sweetness to go with the spice) for supper last night. I overate. Two bites into supper, I realized I should've served mine in a smaller bowl rather than the soup bowl I used. Then, after I finished the bowl, I had seconds that consisted of about a third as much as I had the first time. I guess that might be some kind of progress, but I really should've started with a smaller helping the first time. The good news is I didn't feel miserable when I finished, and I put away all the food and washed dishes as soon as we finished eating. That is new! Thanks to not being enticed by Twitter, maybe? It also seemed to help that we ate around 6 p.m. and I went to bed (well, went to the shower) at 8 p.m., so I didn't have awful reflux when I climbed into bed.

I do take reflux meds every single night. A few years ago, I had an episode of what my doctor guesses was nutcracker esophagus (the name of which cracks me up to this day), and prescribed me basically a daily dose of Zantac and Prilosec (I've since switched from Rx to OTC as my new doc says it's cheaper and just as effective). He said I would have to take it forever to prevent that happening again. So every night, I take both. At one point, I was able to taper off of Prilosec when I'd lost about 25 lbs, but I've gained some of that back. I have ten pounds to lose before I'm at that weight again. My current doctor had suggested that I try to taper off of one or both because she suspects that they're interfering with nutritional absorption (no clue whether I'm saying that right). But I have a hiatal hernia as well as that history of the nutcracker esophagus (hehe), so I am not sure whether I'll ever be able to discontinue both.

It's taking longer to finish breakfast than I thought it would because of the ice I put into the shake and also because I've been typing. Oh, well.

My front yard is looking crummy, so I'll probably mow this morning. Hopefully the dew has dried enough by now (0841).

I am literally two hours behind my schedule at this point. 

1000: Finished mowing & edging the front yard. w00t! Shower time.

1041: Weighed in at 155.6 today. I'm officially back down to my July '15 weight. I was 164 in January. I'd gained back a bunch of weight after a break up in May '14.

1216: I actually studied. Time for a quick lunch, then I have to drive Mom to fill her prescriptions.

1242: I had last night's leftovers. I remembered to use a small bowl and didn't even pack it full of food. lol WIN. Had time to put away the dishes & load the dishwasher, too. Resisted the urge to browse Twitter while eating & browsed job listings on my Dice app instead.

1314: Waiting at the pharmacy for Mom to order her Rx. When I was studying, I realized how much I've forgotten. It's discouraging. I felt like I was drowning.

1340: Wandering around Walmart waiting for prescriptions to be filled, I feel very depressed, almost to the point of tears. My brain is replaying crap from 4yrs ago, things that I normally distract myself from thinking about with Twitter, Netflix, or podcasts. Things I can't change & may never be able to correct. Plus, I'm frustrated with Mom's weird possessive hoarder contrarian attitude. She needs pliers & a hammer. I told her I have extra in the garage she could literally have to keep for herself forever, but she ignored me, put pliers in the basket & continued looking for a hammer. Asshole. I have to remember I'm premenstrual & have a shorter temper today. But it always pisses me off when she unnecessarily buys brand new items to bring into my house when we both have histories of problems with clutter. I know she's thinking that she doesn't live with me, but in reality she does. I guess I have some problems with reality, too, but that doesn't give me patience when she buys stuff. I'm so frustrated.

1530: Back from Walmart with groceries, Mom's meds, and PLIERS in tow. I'm making meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and spinach for supper. When we got home around 2:40, I was looking at LinkedIn and some other recruiting websites (Modis, TriQuest, Volt). It's not looking good for me unless I can get these certs. I feel hopeless. Volt had a career fair ("interview on the spot!") listed on their site, but it only showed the date and a hint that it was for help desk techs, nothing about where it would be held. It had a little apply button, so I clicked that to send them my resume. If I don't hear anything about it by tomorrow evening, I'll email Art Mata, the local contact for Volt Military. At least I know it's on September 14th.

1551: Signed up for a Mission Continues volunteer event on 9/19. Maybe I can network there.

2030: Overate at supper. Froze the leftover meatloaf. I bought some salad stuff so I can eat a bigger lunch tomorrow so hopefully I don't feel ravenous by supper time. Tomorrow's a new day. It'll be better.