Diary 13: Birthday Cake

September 28, 2015 (not my birthday quite yet, just an early celebration)

I've been trying to eat less per sitting. I've been fairly successful over the past few days. The amount that I'm eating still makes me feel uncomfortable and ashamed. I feel huge.

For my birthday, I wanted one of those small five-inch Black Forest Cherry Mousse cakes from the grocery bakery, but they are $10 each *and* they were out of the flavor I wanted. Cake mixes are a dollar each, then three dollars for a can of cherry pie filling, and about two dollars for a can of whipped cream. That's what I decided to do for my birthday cake. Of course, I complained because I didn't want a big ol' 9" layer cake in the house considering how worried I've been about overeating.

Fortunately, Mom happened to spy a Duncan Hines "Perfect Size" cake mix. It was $3 as opposed to the $1 for a regular box cake but, in addition to the cake mix and the frosting mix, there was a little disposable pan included. So that came to $8 with the cherry pie filling and whipped cream--still less expensive than the $10 grocery store bakery cake if they'd had one on hand.

Anyway, to give you an idea of the size difference between the size a regular cake mix would make and the size that this "Perfect Size" mix would make, I took this picture.

Much better, right?? The box said it's meant to serve 2-4 people. I laughed because I used to eat the size on the left on my own in a 48 hour period. So thanks, Duncan Hines, for helping me with my quest to reduce my portion sizes and my overall sugar intake! I'll definitely look for this product again in the future.

I'm also happy to report that for supper I had the second half of my lunch and only a quarter of the cake. :-)

Today I'm thankful for:
--garcinia cambogia
--companies that aren't completely evil
--floss picks

Diary 11

September 20, 2015

2126: It's been a long day. Up around 4:30, drove a few hours, mowed lawns all day, broke a string trimmer that doesn't belong to me, got rained on, ate more fast food than I should've, drove a few more hours, and now I'm home and showered, ready for bed.

Spent a lot of good time with Sisters 3 & 5 (birth order, not ages) and Mom today. So many laughs! Of course, I don't remember any of the situations clearly enough to relate them to anyone else. Even if I did, I'm probably too tired to write it right now.

I'm going to be really sore tomorrow from the lawn work. I had to take two Tramadols today for my feet. I haven't had a Two Tramadol Day in weeks.

Daily food run-down:
I had coffee with milk when I first got up, but I didn't eat breakfast until about 8:30 a.m. because I wanted something on my stomach when we began to mow. I didn't want to be ready for lunch at 9 a.m. I had a sausage/egg/cheese breakfast on a bun from Whataburger and iced water.

We had lunch around noon, and I had a Hunger Buster Junior from DQ and iced water. I wasn't trying to eat a small meal for weight loss purposes, I just didn't want a huge meal since it was so hot out and we still had a lot to do. Ordering that little burger reminded me that when I was thin I made it a habit to order kids' meals instead of full meals to help with portion control.

I drank three or four Gatorades during the course of mowing. It was humid & hot today--in the 90s--with barely a breeze. Good thing it was overcast now & then.

On the way home, we stopped at Whataburger again and I tried their little Whatachicken bites. They're basically the same thing as the chicken strips, only smaller than a McNugget. I went for the honey mustard dipping sauce. I didn't even eat a third of my fries, but I ate the Texas toast. I felt remorseful about that later. I didn't need that dang toast, I just like butter. I ordered a large unsweetened tea, but of course they screwed up and gave me sweet. I needed the caffeine, so I just drank it. I need to be more particular about checking orders before I move away from the employee. Immediately after realizing my tea was sweet, it dawned on me that I'd forgotten to order a kid's meal instead of a full meal. *sigh*

The good news in all of this is, even though my carb count was undoubtedly super high today, I did a better job at portion control than usual and also the only things I bought at gas stations today were gas and bottles of water. No chips this time, and still no sweets!

In the shower I was thinking about how I used to eat around 15 years ago compared to how I eat now. I lived overseas for seven years, and whenever I came home on leave, one of the main things I liked to do was eat at all the restaurants we didn't have overseas. When I finally moved back to the States, I immediately did the same thing--eating as if I were on vacation and wouldn't have access to all those fast food restaurants again for a while. Unfortunately, that never stopped. Add to that the fact that the antidepressants I was taking made me hungry. The listed side effects were nausea and weight loss. However, I was taught that if you don't have the flu and you're  nauseated, you probably need a snack. So whenever I felt nauseated, I would eat. And you know what? The nausea did subside when I ate. For about 1.5-2 hours.  I ate a lot.

Hopefully the realization about eating as if I'm on vacation plus not currently being medicated will help me break the cycle.

Tonight I'm thankful for:
--Soap & running water
--Clean pajamas
--Comfy beds

Diary 10

September 19, 2015

We were up early to help some acquaintances with some lawn & painting projects this morning. We were pretty pooped by afternoon since we're not used to that much physical labor, so my afternoon mostly consisted of watching old episodes of Doctor Who to be in the spirit of the "Doctor Who season" even though I won't have access to the episode that aired today until tomorrow.

I had a surprise text from one of my sisters saying that she was nearby and wondering whether she could stay the night. The answer is always Yes, Of Course! She's been really good to me during my tough times, and she's fun to hang out with. We're going to work on the family land tomorrow (haha lawn work, not like farming or something) along with Mom and another of our sisters.

I had a bacon/eggs/coffee breakfast and just a pork chop for lunch. Super keto. lol Later I had a bit of the strawberry iced milk that I'd stashed in the freezer. Surprisingly, I didn't eat the entire stash. This medicine really does suppress my appetite. It's easier to tell the difference between eating for hunger and eating just to taste the food. I wish that would stay with me once I'm done with the treatment.

Supper was Mexican food with Mom & Sister 3, but I didn't have any rice & beans. Just a crunchy beef taco, a cheese enchilada, and guacamole salad. I did not eat my weight in chips, either. Still, not at all low carb. But I figure with the physical labor this morning and the physical labor tomorrow, I'm not going to beat myself up. And NO RICE & BEANS. That is a big deal. I count it as a triumph.

Today I am grateful for:
--Still being able to get up off the ground if I sit down, despite my weight and aches & pains
--Family that has kept me afloat & alive
--Laughter with people I care about
--Laughter in general

Good night.

Diary 8

September 17, 2015

I went through some stuff in my room today. I had many bankers boxes of papers and god knows what else all tossed in together and stacked in my room. Depression & anxiety does not play around. Its mantra is, "Fuck this, fuck that, you don't deserve to be able to see the carpet." I didn't exactly do a lot of filing, but I threw away lots of junk mail (YES I had junk mail from 2010) and receipts. I still have a dozen boxes to go. Egads, I know.

I finally FINALLY finished putting together my desk. I moved into this house in 2009. I have an L-shaped glass desk. I think I put together a half of it so I could have SOMETHING in 2010 or 2011. Today I finally put the entire thing together. There's so much room for activities!

I even found my bookends in a box! I put my study materials on my actual desk so that they can stare at me while I browse things online that will in no way determine my earning power.

Among the office supplies & old receipts in the boxes was a Queen box set, a compilation CD of the music they played at the Frankfurt Galaxy American football games in the late '90s, and a CD with about 15 pictures of a vacation I took with then-friends in 2003. So much fun listening to that music again and looking through those pictures! Great memories that I probably wouldn't have revisited today if I hadn't decided to find the junk mail to throw away in one single box.

We made pork chops & spinach for supper. That's all I had to eat all day besides coffee & milk. I consider it intermittent fasting. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat. I didn't miss the food. I hope I have more days like that. Maybe the pictures I found today will help remind me of what it takes to get back down to my 2001 weight (I'd already gained 15 lbs in 2003).

Tonight I'm grateful for being able to remember some good times. I can't remember them all, and I feel like I should be able to remember more than I do. I don't know if it was the decade of medications or the insomnia that they caused. In any case, it makes me sad. So I'm super grateful that I can remember some.

I'm also grateful for the odd day when I feel super motivated and not hungry. I don't know whether that's hypomania or the pills I'm on for my cold sore. Meh. Doesn't matter, still cleaned.

Take care.

"Screw it, why should I even care about fitness?" (Updated March 24, 2015)

I'm fat, ya know. Overweight. If you care about BMIs (which I think are bullshit...oh, I need to add that to the list), today I fall into the "obese" category. But if I were to lose three pounds (water weight or whatever, the BMI calculator DNGAF), I would be in the "overweight" category. Regardless of how I feel about BMIs, it is true that I would look and feel better if I lost about 40 lbs.

I wasn't always overweight. I am 5'2". I had to gain three pounds to join the military at age 18, as the minimum weight for my height was 95 lbs. I was 120 lbs and 30 years old when I received my official depression diagnosis. The antidepressants they put me on were supposed to cause weight loss, but I gained weight instead. The nausea that the pills caused made me constantly feel like I'd gone too long without a meal, so snacks helped keep the nausea at bay. My job was fast-paced, we didn't receive lunch breaks. We ducked into the break room and gulped down a snack or meal whenever we had a few minutes. As a result, anyone who was eating would be left alone. Anyone who happened to be in the breakroom without food in their hand could be asked to come back out and work, even during their break. So I ate on every single break.

Here it is a decade later, and I haven't gotten back down to 120 lbs even once. I maxed out at 170, and I am close to that now. There are so many reasons, excuses, things that sidelined me. The antidepressants caused sleep disturbances. I could fall asleep, but my body wasn't truly sleeping. The sleep study the doc sent me for showed 50+ arousals per hour (no sleep apnea, even though I'm fat!), so basically I did not have a solid night's sleep for almost a decade. I (seemingly) slept long hours, 8-18 hours per day. When I was up and about, I was dragging. I drank coffee all day, every day. I rarely had the energy to work out. In retrospect, it's amazing that I even held a job.

I realize there are people with harder, more difficult lives than mine. But there it is.

So now that I'm 41, I've pretty much trashed my body (super weak, flabby, & chubby), I don't have a significant other and don't care to find one in the near future and, as a depressive person, I kind of don't care if I die of a stroke or heart attack tomorrow, I am trying to find reasons to get my shit together.

Some days, "I want to wear cute outfits again someday" is not enough of a motivator. I might need a memory jogger that, say, pulmonary fibrosis runs in the family and the better my cardio is now, the easier it'll be to tolerate when I'm 80.

That's where you come in. I'm collecting reasons to get fit and stay fit besides the usual generic cosmetic and health reasons. I want to hear your personal reason in 140 characters or fewer. If you don't want me to use your name here, just let me know. Thanks!

1. "I have a long family history of diabetes. If I get too heavy, I put myself at an even greater risk to develop it." --@dcas1978

2. "To lose weight so my back and knees won't hurt so much!" --@Zaerion

3. "I try to keep active to help keep the black cloud at bay. And because I don't want to end up like my father." --@racerabbit

4. "I've got a bad back. When I get too fat it really starts to hurt. :)" --@ocularnervosa

5. "Pulmonary fibrosis runs in my family and the better my cardio is now, the easier it'll be to tolerate when I'm 80." --@binkytoes

6. "Free drugs* with every excercise session! 
*endorphins" --@binkytoes

Veggie Italian Bake

NOTE: Oh, lawd. I finally tried it. Too many zucchinis, I think. Changed up the recipe some.

This is adapted from a low-carb (noodle-free) lasagna from the Dashing Dish blog.

Veg/Sauce layer:
3 medium zucchinis
1 large yellow onion, diced

1 (16oz) package frozen spinach
2 cups black beans (I made mine from scratch in a crock pot the day before. Cheap!)
1 (15oz) can or jar of pizza sauce
2 cloves of garlic, minced (I use the stuff from a jar)
4 Tbsp Italian seasoning

Cheese layer:
1 (32oz) container of ricotta cheese (I've also made this using 16oz of cottage cheese, which was also good)
1/2 cup grated parmesan (using the powdered kind may help thicken up the juices)
Topping:
2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese (this varies, depending how cheesy I want it to be)

1. Slice all the zucchinis into medallions, salt them, and cook them until soft in a stock pot (not crock pot). Salt them lightly to draw out the moisture. This takes a while and requires quite a bit of periodic stirring. Alternatively, spread them on a couple cookie sheets and roast them at 425F for five minutes on each side.

2. If you haven't used the oven yet, preheat the oven to 375F. Microwave the spinach according to the package directions.

3. VEGGIES: In a large non-stick skillet, cook the onion, mushrooms, and garlic until the onion's soft. Combine the rest of the veggies (including zucchini & beans), the seasonings, and the entire can or jar of pizza sauce in the skillet with the onion, mushrooms, and garlic. Simmer for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

4. CHEESE: Mix the ricotta (or cottage cheese) & the parmesan cheese.

5. Spray a 9x13" baking dish with non-stick cooking spray. Begin with a layer of the veg mix, top it with a layer of the cheese mix, then sprinkle mozzarella on top of that cheese mix if you like. Continue like this until the casserole dish is full ending with a layer of mozzarella on top.

6. Cover with foil (try not to let the foil touch the mozzarella) and bake at 375F for 1 hour.

7. Remove the foil and bake another 5-10 minutes until the cheese is bubbly and/or brown (brown cheese doesn't sound good, though).

8. CAREFULLY remove from oven. It will probably have a lot of hot, boiling liquid around the edges. Let the casserole rest for about 10 minutes before serving.


----------------------

The thinking behind the modifications I made:
1. Beans instead of meat
I am a cheapskate plus I have a family history of gout, so I am trying to cut back on meat.
I realize this recipe probably does not count as low-carb since it includes black beans, but I'd rather have black beans than pasta if I'm having carbs.

2. Spices
I doubled the garlic & spices as per usual.

3. Pizza sauce rather than spaghetti sauce
This is a juicy recipe with all the veg, so you don't really need a ton of spaghetti sauce. I've also noticed that it seems to be easier to find pizza sauce that doesn't contain high fructose corn syrup (or other sugars) than it is to find a clean spaghetti sauce.

4. Zucchini medallions rather than strips
I made it once using the strips that the Dashing Dish called for. I found it to be too much trouble for a supposed structure that was lost when I dished up the portion, anyway. I'm far too lazy for such a low return on investment.

5. Omission of broccoli & cauliflower
I like broccoli but not in spaghetti sauce. It turns out that everything fills the casserole dish very nicely without the cauliflower, too (which was not as gross in the spaghetti sauce as broccoli, but still yuck).

Veggie Chili

This is adapted from the Chock-Full-of-Veggies Chili Recipe I found on Food.com.

Basically, I think that celery is bullshit in any kind of chili and this chili was too bland, so I doubled the spices.

I also use kidney beans instead of pinto beans and added cayenne pepper.*

1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
2 bell peppers, chopped
1 1/2 cups mushrooms, chopped [I don't really measure these, I just use one of those little 8oz packages]
1 large onion, chopped
6 garlic cloves, minced [I use the stuff from a jar]
2 tablespoon chili powder
2 tablespoon dried oregano
2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 (15 ounce) cans kidney beans
1 (14 1/2 ounce) can diced tomatoes [make sure you buy plain ones, and check the label for high fructose corn syrup]
Cayenne pepper to taste

Directions:

In a large pot or dutch oven, heat oil over medium heat. Add peppers, mushrooms, onion, and garlic. Cook about 7 minutes until vegetables begin to soften. Add seasonings and continue to cook an additional 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add beans and tomatoes with all their juices and bring to a gentle simmer. Simmer 25 to 30 minutes, until chili is fragrant and slightly thickened.

I'm eating mine with grated cheddar cheese & a dollop of cottage cheese stirred in. I have beer, but I forgot to chill it. Maybe I'll have those with leftovers tomorrow night. :-)

*forgot to add cayenne pepper to the written recipe. Oops! Edited 3/11/2014.

Enchilada Casserole

Ingredients:
Corn Tortillas (about a 12-20 pack)
1 Can Enchilada Sauce
1 Can Cream of Chicken Soup
1 Can Cream of Mushroom Soup
1 Bag (16oz by weight) Grated Velveeta (or Cheddar) Cheese
1.5 lbs. Ground Beef
1 Onion (optional)

Brown ground beef with chopped up onion.  (About half way through
browning, soak tortillas in water on the side) Once brown, drain grease.
Mix ground beef, enchilada sauce, cream of chicken soup, and cream of
mushroom soup over medium heat.  Put a thin layer of "mixture" in the
bottom of a 13 x 9 casserole dish.  Tear tortillas into quarters.  Put a
layer of tortillas, then a layer of mixture, and a thin layer of cheese
and repeat until it's all used (top layer should be cheese, of course).
(The Velveeta cheese is very thick when it melts in this, so you don't
want a SOLID layer of cheese, just kind of sprinkle it around)

Almond Chocolate Mug Cake

I bought some almond flour and wanted to try it in a mug cake like the one I'd been making from the My Kids Eat Squid blog. I found a paleo version on the Delighted Momma blog and adapted it using what I knew from the MKES recipe. Turned out sort of Almond-Joy-ish and totally hit the spot. I love the balance that taking a little plain cream cheese with each bite gives it.


1 Tbsp Coconut oil
3 Tbsp Almond flour
3 Tbsp Cocoa powder
2 Tbsp Honey
1 tsp Vanilla extract
1 Egg
1/8 cup Cream cheese

Melt the coconut oil in the mug in the microwave for about 20 seconds. If it's not completely melted after 20 seconds, just stir it around in the mug until it's fully melted.

Using a fork, mix the almond flour, cocoa powder, honey, and vanilla extract into the melted coconut oil. Once the coconut oil has cooled down a bit, mix in the egg.

NOTE: Ensure that the egg is mixed in well, or you'll end up with a cake with a pocket of cooked egg white somewhere in there. Not mixing it well can also lead to the cake exploding when the egg cooks.

Once the egg is properly incorporated, microwave on high for 2 minutes.

THE CAKE WILL BE TOO HOT TO EAT RIGHT AWAY.

Top with the cream cheese. Let the cream cheese melt on it for about 3-5 minutes while the cake cools.

Optional mix-ins:
-Nuts
-Cinnamon
-Low-sugar Smuckers Strawberry Jam
-Chocolate chips

That chocolate mug cake on my blog tastes like shit when you make it with Splenda.

— Apparent Aphasia (@binkytoes) September 4, 2013

F.U., Shepherd's Pie

I wound up using the ground beef I bought to make shepherd's pie to make hamburger patties instead.

So much simpler. Plus, I'm out of eggs and for got to buy edamame.

I took a pound of 90% lean ground sirloin, added a handful of shredded fat-free cheddar, 2 tsp minced garlic, and a buttload of salt & pepper.

I pan-fried them in a skillet spritzed with olive oil then ate them with dijon mustard, two handfuls of cherub tomatoes, two slices of onion, and two dill pickle spears. No bread. And I didn't miss it.

The pound made six patties.

This was for supper.

For breakfast today I had two eggs, two slices of Canadian bacon, and 6 oz of V8. Not enough vegetables, I know, but I was feeling wild & rebellious.

For lunch I had a some of the guacamole with celery. Yum. I'm considering making cottage cheese in  guacamole a permanent thing. But I'll have to switch from crushed pepper flakes to Cayenne pepper and scrap the cilantro.

South Beach Diet Mexican Food

The writing here will be far from interesting & the format will be shitty because it's a log for me. But you are welcome to read it, too. :-)

It's Sunday; I've prepped lunch for work for the next couple days.

I'd planned to make Shepherd's Pie from the SBD book but I am craving Mexican food, so I made taco chicken, pinto beans, and "guacamole" instead. The "guacamole" is a snack dip for celery sticks. I'll probably also take about 2 cups of raw kale and a vinaigrette to spritz on it to boost my veg intake.

BONUS: Strange Italian twist of what I like to call a "Caprese cup" for tomorrow's 2nd snack.

Pinto Beans

1 cup dry beans
1/4 cup chopped onion
2 chicken bouillon cubes
Black pepper
Water, obviously

Prepare according to the directions on the package, obviously not adding the onions and seasonings until the cooking stage (not the soaking stage).

Chicken

3 frozen boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp minced garlic (I use the kind from a jar)
1 tsp Cayenne pepper
1 Tbsp olive oil

Preheat oven to 375F.
Arrange the 3 breasts in a glass pie pan (or whatever baking dish they'll fit in).
In a shallow bowl, mix the seasonings and olive oil.
Smear the mixture on top of the breasts.
Bake for one hour or until cooked through.
When done, let them cool for about 30min, then slice and put 1 breast into each container with 1/3 of the beans to carry to work. Three days of lunch (with the kale) DONE.

[Seasoning mix adapted from $5 Dinners.]

I adapted the Guacamole recipe from Spices and Aroma, but I made a full batch (because what am I going to do with 2/3 of an avocado sitting in the fridge, anyway?) before I read her entire blog post. D'oh!

I don't know that mine will turn black, though, because I mashed the avocado with lemon juice before I added any of the other ingredients.

Instead of the juice of half a lemon, I just poured two Tablespoons from a bottle of lemon juice. And obviously I skipped the lemon zest. At this point, I'm not sure I used garlic, either (can't remember). But that should be OK since I don't normally use garlic when I make guacamole the regular way.

Caprese cup:

Tiniest Ziploc bowl I have
Half a handful of cherub tomatoes
A stick of string cheese, quartered & pulled apart
Couple dashes Italian seasoning
Drizzle with balsamico
Microwave on high for 15 seconds