September 19, 2015
We were up early to help some acquaintances with some lawn & painting projects this morning. We were pretty pooped by afternoon since we're not used to that much physical labor, so my afternoon mostly consisted of watching old episodes of Doctor Who to be in the spirit of the "Doctor Who season" even though I won't have access to the episode that aired today until tomorrow.
I had a surprise text from one of my sisters saying that she was nearby and wondering whether she could stay the night. The answer is always Yes, Of Course! She's been really good to me during my tough times, and she's fun to hang out with. We're going to work on the family land tomorrow (haha lawn work, not like farming or something) along with Mom and another of our sisters.
I had a bacon/eggs/coffee breakfast and just a pork chop for lunch. Super keto. lol Later I had a bit of the strawberry iced milk that I'd stashed in the freezer. Surprisingly, I didn't eat the entire stash. This medicine really does suppress my appetite. It's easier to tell the difference between eating for hunger and eating just to taste the food. I wish that would stay with me once I'm done with the treatment.
Supper was Mexican food with Mom & Sister 3, but I didn't have any rice & beans. Just a crunchy beef taco, a cheese enchilada, and guacamole salad. I did not eat my weight in chips, either. Still, not at all low carb. But I figure with the physical labor this morning and the physical labor tomorrow, I'm not going to beat myself up. And NO RICE & BEANS. That is a big deal. I count it as a triumph.
Today I am grateful for:
--Still being able to get up off the ground if I sit down, despite my weight and aches & pains
--Family that has kept me afloat & alive
--Laughter with people I care about
--Laughter in general
Good night.
Showing posts with label leisure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label leisure. Show all posts
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Procrastination and solidifying structure in one's own life
Writing about this subject may be another means of procrastination. But I want to put this out there so that if I fail, at least there is a record of me having tried, or maybe some of the compiled thoughts will help someone else. Besides--you only fail if you never try again, right? Right?
I don't consider myself to be self-disciplined at all. This may come as a surprise to people who know that I served "honorably" with the military for many years; that I own a home and keep my lawn semi-groomed; that I have well-fed pets; that if I wear a piece of clothing out of the house, it is most assuredly clean, dry, and serviceable; that my car is fairly well-maintained; and that much of my coursework for the degree that I finished last autumn was completed online. That last one is the one that really gets people. "You took and passed how many online classes? Oh my gosh, you must be really self disciplined!" No, there are plenty of external motivating factors in all those cases.
Most of the time, though, I have a hard time seeing reasons for motivation and reaping that "just do it" feeling until it's too late. But that isn't what this post is about. This post is about distractions and habits.
Over the years, I've seen several articles about internet addiction and social media addiction. Some people describe their Netflix viewing as "binge watching." I am not a scientist and, if it is possible to be addicted to these things, I'm not sure I meet the criteria for addiction. I have recently begun to come to grips with the thought, though, that my overusing these leisure outlets is negatively impacting my life. If not negatively impacting it, then it is at least hampering my progress. I don't blame anyone but myself.
Twitter and Netflix were absolutely necessary to my survival during a time in my life when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I wasn't seriously contemplating suicide, but I didn't want to live anymore, either. I found so many wonderful people on Twitter who understood that, and I was able to joke with them about it and share coping mechanisms. I'm forever grateful for the lifeline Twitter gave me. Netflix was also wonderful because I could immerse myself in characters' lives and forget mine. Lots of mindfulness proponents might disagree with me, but escapism was and is a huge coping mechanism for me against anxiety and clinical major depression.
And it's not just escapism. I read an article recently that mentioned that viewers can form para-social bonds with movie & TV characters. So basically, a combination of social networking and Netflix has acted as a stand-in for in-the-flesh socializing for me. For years. I think I needed that at one point when I couldn't see or feel hope and had no energy, inclination, or money to leave the couch, much less my house. But more and more often now, I feel like it's not enough.
My major depression is in semi-remission, so I think I should use this opportunity of the leg-up out of the pit to try to make my life better while I can. Statistics say that I will experience another devastating episode of major depression sometime in my life, so I need to make hay while the sun peeks from behind the clouds.
About a month an a half ago, I ran across a comic ("Is That Not Worth Exploring" by James Rhodes, illustrated by Zen Pencils)--probably on reddit--that made me think. It deals with identifying the unimportant stuff you spend time on and replacing those activities with something meaningful. At least, that's the way I interpreted it. I set the URL to the comic as the pinned tweet on my Twitter profile, hoping that more people would see it and be inspired. Of course, I've not taken Rhodes's advice, but I do think of his words once in a while and sorta hate myself for not doing anything. It has made me think, though.
Lately I've been wondering, "what did I do with my leisure time before I had internet access at home?" And then I realized, "oh, I don't just browse social media and watch Netflix during leisure time. I also do it while I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like studying, housekeeping, applying for jobs, etc."
As you may know, I am overweight. I like to eat. Most days I eat many times when I'm not even hungry, and then I feel physically and emotionally awful. I mean, yes, I get a mood boost from the food, but then I am upset with myself because I know that overeating leads to weight gain. At one point, I decided to look into Overeaters Anonymous. I thought, "how can OA possibly work when the whole idea behind AA (on which it's based) is abstinence from the substance? Everyone NEEDS food." Turns out that OA's definition of abstinence is only eating planned meals and snacks. It gives a structure. That made sense to me. I tried it for a while on my own (I have never attended an OA meeting), but suffice to say I would not have earned any sobriety coins. I can still see that it makes sense, though, and could work for me. I know that because imposed structure worked for me in the military for many years. The problem is that if I'm the one trying to impose the structure upon myself, I am too lenient with myself.
So here I am, recognizing that I've been making horrible use of my time and that I need structure. I've had way too many zero days, especially in the past four years. But what should I do? Where should I start?
I think I should instill new habits. I'm in an enviable position right now, one where I do not have a job to go to every morning, so my schedule can be anything I want as long as I'm moving toward my goals (and as long as the schedule doesn't cost more money--I'm on a tight budget). You might hear that revamping one's entire lifestyle can be stressful, and that each little habit should be overhauled one at a time. But I have plenty of zero days in the bank to show me that even if I fail on changing most habits every single day, I will still have done more in a few months than I have in the past four years. So why not change everything at once? Fuck it, let's go.
Everyone's probably heard or read that it takes 21 days to instill a new habit. This, obviously, has been contested by psychologists and life coaches, so I'm not going to make this a 21 day challenge. This will be over a few months, starting today and going through December 31, 2015, at least. Let's see what I can accomplish.
Like many of you, I love lists. I love making them, I love checking things off, I love running across them in a junk drawer years later and laughing about how many things I didn't check off and that seem trivial in retrospect. In this case, I don't need a list because the number one thing on my list is studying. Everything except fitness & housekeeping seems to hinge on money.
Since I've already identified how much I rely on Twitter & Netflix to distract me, I'm going to say that I will no longer be on Twitter and will not watch Netflix (or regular TV) between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. (local). This will probably seem ridiculous to people who have no problem with this stuff but, in my case, this is absolutely necessary.
I will probably spend the rest of the day bouncing between studying and making new rules/revising my daily guidelines/creating Excel spreadsheets to track everything. Which is more procrastinating--unless it works. *squints at the screen*
My brain is panicking a little right now about staying off Twitter. "How will I know what's happening???" I have to keep reminding myself that
I'm reminded of basic training when we had no access to news of current events whatsoever. At some point, one of the women in my group remarked that it would be great if we could have access to newspapers. The answer given was that our being sequestered and away from the outside world was temporary and that outside news would not benefit our training. Hopefully, these thoughts will hold me over and calm my nerves.
I don't consider myself to be self-disciplined at all. This may come as a surprise to people who know that I served "honorably" with the military for many years; that I own a home and keep my lawn semi-groomed; that I have well-fed pets; that if I wear a piece of clothing out of the house, it is most assuredly clean, dry, and serviceable; that my car is fairly well-maintained; and that much of my coursework for the degree that I finished last autumn was completed online. That last one is the one that really gets people. "You took and passed how many online classes? Oh my gosh, you must be really self disciplined!" No, there are plenty of external motivating factors in all those cases.
Most of the time, though, I have a hard time seeing reasons for motivation and reaping that "just do it" feeling until it's too late. But that isn't what this post is about. This post is about distractions and habits.
Over the years, I've seen several articles about internet addiction and social media addiction. Some people describe their Netflix viewing as "binge watching." I am not a scientist and, if it is possible to be addicted to these things, I'm not sure I meet the criteria for addiction. I have recently begun to come to grips with the thought, though, that my overusing these leisure outlets is negatively impacting my life. If not negatively impacting it, then it is at least hampering my progress. I don't blame anyone but myself.
Twitter and Netflix were absolutely necessary to my survival during a time in my life when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I wasn't seriously contemplating suicide, but I didn't want to live anymore, either. I found so many wonderful people on Twitter who understood that, and I was able to joke with them about it and share coping mechanisms. I'm forever grateful for the lifeline Twitter gave me. Netflix was also wonderful because I could immerse myself in characters' lives and forget mine. Lots of mindfulness proponents might disagree with me, but escapism was and is a huge coping mechanism for me against anxiety and clinical major depression.
And it's not just escapism. I read an article recently that mentioned that viewers can form para-social bonds with movie & TV characters. So basically, a combination of social networking and Netflix has acted as a stand-in for in-the-flesh socializing for me. For years. I think I needed that at one point when I couldn't see or feel hope and had no energy, inclination, or money to leave the couch, much less my house. But more and more often now, I feel like it's not enough.
My major depression is in semi-remission, so I think I should use this opportunity of the leg-up out of the pit to try to make my life better while I can. Statistics say that I will experience another devastating episode of major depression sometime in my life, so I need to make hay while the sun peeks from behind the clouds.
About a month an a half ago, I ran across a comic ("Is That Not Worth Exploring" by James Rhodes, illustrated by Zen Pencils)--probably on reddit--that made me think. It deals with identifying the unimportant stuff you spend time on and replacing those activities with something meaningful. At least, that's the way I interpreted it. I set the URL to the comic as the pinned tweet on my Twitter profile, hoping that more people would see it and be inspired. Of course, I've not taken Rhodes's advice, but I do think of his words once in a while and sorta hate myself for not doing anything. It has made me think, though.
Lately I've been wondering, "what did I do with my leisure time before I had internet access at home?" And then I realized, "oh, I don't just browse social media and watch Netflix during leisure time. I also do it while I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like studying, housekeeping, applying for jobs, etc."
As you may know, I am overweight. I like to eat. Most days I eat many times when I'm not even hungry, and then I feel physically and emotionally awful. I mean, yes, I get a mood boost from the food, but then I am upset with myself because I know that overeating leads to weight gain. At one point, I decided to look into Overeaters Anonymous. I thought, "how can OA possibly work when the whole idea behind AA (on which it's based) is abstinence from the substance? Everyone NEEDS food." Turns out that OA's definition of abstinence is only eating planned meals and snacks. It gives a structure. That made sense to me. I tried it for a while on my own (I have never attended an OA meeting), but suffice to say I would not have earned any sobriety coins. I can still see that it makes sense, though, and could work for me. I know that because imposed structure worked for me in the military for many years. The problem is that if I'm the one trying to impose the structure upon myself, I am too lenient with myself.
So here I am, recognizing that I've been making horrible use of my time and that I need structure. I've had way too many zero days, especially in the past four years. But what should I do? Where should I start?
I think I should instill new habits. I'm in an enviable position right now, one where I do not have a job to go to every morning, so my schedule can be anything I want as long as I'm moving toward my goals (and as long as the schedule doesn't cost more money--I'm on a tight budget). You might hear that revamping one's entire lifestyle can be stressful, and that each little habit should be overhauled one at a time. But I have plenty of zero days in the bank to show me that even if I fail on changing most habits every single day, I will still have done more in a few months than I have in the past four years. So why not change everything at once? Fuck it, let's go.
Everyone's probably heard or read that it takes 21 days to instill a new habit. This, obviously, has been contested by psychologists and life coaches, so I'm not going to make this a 21 day challenge. This will be over a few months, starting today and going through December 31, 2015, at least. Let's see what I can accomplish.
Like many of you, I love lists. I love making them, I love checking things off, I love running across them in a junk drawer years later and laughing about how many things I didn't check off and that seem trivial in retrospect. In this case, I don't need a list because the number one thing on my list is studying. Everything except fitness & housekeeping seems to hinge on money.
I will probably spend the rest of the day bouncing between studying and making new rules/revising my daily guidelines/creating Excel spreadsheets to track everything. Which is more procrastinating--unless it works. *squints at the screen*
My brain is panicking a little right now about staying off Twitter. "How will I know what's happening???" I have to keep reminding myself that
- It's not forever, I'll check in in the morning & evening
- I have emergency alerts set up on my phone if we need to evacuate for weather or anything.
I'm reminded of basic training when we had no access to news of current events whatsoever. At some point, one of the women in my group remarked that it would be great if we could have access to newspapers. The answer given was that our being sequestered and away from the outside world was temporary and that outside news would not benefit our training. Hopefully, these thoughts will hold me over and calm my nerves.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
"Screw it, why should I even care about fitness?" (Updated March 24, 2015)
I'm fat, ya know. Overweight. If you care about BMIs (which I think are bullshit...oh, I need to add that to the list), today I fall into the "obese" category. But if I were to lose three pounds (water weight or whatever, the BMI calculator DNGAF), I would be in the "overweight" category. Regardless of how I feel about BMIs, it is true that I would look and feel better if I lost about 40 lbs.
I wasn't always overweight. I am 5'2". I had to gain three pounds to join the military at age 18, as the minimum weight for my height was 95 lbs. I was 120 lbs and 30 years old when I received my official depression diagnosis. The antidepressants they put me on were supposed to cause weight loss, but I gained weight instead. The nausea that the pills caused made me constantly feel like I'd gone too long without a meal, so snacks helped keep the nausea at bay. My job was fast-paced, we didn't receive lunch breaks. We ducked into the break room and gulped down a snack or meal whenever we had a few minutes. As a result, anyone who was eating would be left alone. Anyone who happened to be in the breakroom without food in their hand could be asked to come back out and work, even during their break. So I ate on every single break.
Here it is a decade later, and I haven't gotten back down to 120 lbs even once. I maxed out at 170, and I am close to that now. There are so many reasons, excuses, things that sidelined me. The antidepressants caused sleep disturbances. I could fall asleep, but my body wasn't truly sleeping. The sleep study the doc sent me for showed 50+ arousals per hour (no sleep apnea, even though I'm fat!), so basically I did not have a solid night's sleep for almost a decade. I (seemingly) slept long hours, 8-18 hours per day. When I was up and about, I was dragging. I drank coffee all day, every day. I rarely had the energy to work out. In retrospect, it's amazing that I even held a job.
I realize there are people with harder, more difficult lives than mine. But there it is.
So now that I'm 41, I've pretty much trashed my body (super weak, flabby, & chubby), I don't have a significant other and don't care to find one in the near future and, as a depressive person, I kind of don't care if I die of a stroke or heart attack tomorrow, I am trying to find reasons to get my shit together.
Some days, "I want to wear cute outfits again someday" is not enough of a motivator. I might need a memory jogger that, say, pulmonary fibrosis runs in the family and the better my cardio is now, the easier it'll be to tolerate when I'm 80.
That's where you come in. I'm collecting reasons to get fit and stay fit besides the usual generic cosmetic and health reasons. I want to hear your personal reason in 140 characters or fewer. If you don't want me to use your name here, just let me know. Thanks!
1. "I have a long family history of diabetes. If I get too heavy, I put myself at an even greater risk to develop it." --@dcas1978
2. "To lose weight so my back and knees won't hurt so much!" --@Zaerion
3. "I try to keep active to help keep the black cloud at bay. And because I don't want to end up like my father." --@racerabbit
4. "I've got a bad back. When I get too fat it really starts to hurt. :)" --@ocularnervosa
5. "Pulmonary fibrosis runs in my family and the better my cardio is now, the easier it'll be to tolerate when I'm 80." --@binkytoes
6. "Free drugs* with every excercise session!
*endorphins" --@binkytoes
I wasn't always overweight. I am 5'2". I had to gain three pounds to join the military at age 18, as the minimum weight for my height was 95 lbs. I was 120 lbs and 30 years old when I received my official depression diagnosis. The antidepressants they put me on were supposed to cause weight loss, but I gained weight instead. The nausea that the pills caused made me constantly feel like I'd gone too long without a meal, so snacks helped keep the nausea at bay. My job was fast-paced, we didn't receive lunch breaks. We ducked into the break room and gulped down a snack or meal whenever we had a few minutes. As a result, anyone who was eating would be left alone. Anyone who happened to be in the breakroom without food in their hand could be asked to come back out and work, even during their break. So I ate on every single break.
Here it is a decade later, and I haven't gotten back down to 120 lbs even once. I maxed out at 170, and I am close to that now. There are so many reasons, excuses, things that sidelined me. The antidepressants caused sleep disturbances. I could fall asleep, but my body wasn't truly sleeping. The sleep study the doc sent me for showed 50+ arousals per hour (no sleep apnea, even though I'm fat!), so basically I did not have a solid night's sleep for almost a decade. I (seemingly) slept long hours, 8-18 hours per day. When I was up and about, I was dragging. I drank coffee all day, every day. I rarely had the energy to work out. In retrospect, it's amazing that I even held a job.
I realize there are people with harder, more difficult lives than mine. But there it is.
So now that I'm 41, I've pretty much trashed my body (super weak, flabby, & chubby), I don't have a significant other and don't care to find one in the near future and, as a depressive person, I kind of don't care if I die of a stroke or heart attack tomorrow, I am trying to find reasons to get my shit together.
Some days, "I want to wear cute outfits again someday" is not enough of a motivator. I might need a memory jogger that, say, pulmonary fibrosis runs in the family and the better my cardio is now, the easier it'll be to tolerate when I'm 80.
That's where you come in. I'm collecting reasons to get fit and stay fit besides the usual generic cosmetic and health reasons. I want to hear your personal reason in 140 characters or fewer. If you don't want me to use your name here, just let me know. Thanks!
1. "I have a long family history of diabetes. If I get too heavy, I put myself at an even greater risk to develop it." --@dcas1978
2. "To lose weight so my back and knees won't hurt so much!" --@Zaerion
3. "I try to keep active to help keep the black cloud at bay. And because I don't want to end up like my father." --@racerabbit
4. "I've got a bad back. When I get too fat it really starts to hurt. :)" --@ocularnervosa
5. "Pulmonary fibrosis runs in my family and the better my cardio is now, the easier it'll be to tolerate when I'm 80." --@binkytoes
6. "Free drugs* with every excercise session!
*endorphins" --@binkytoes
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Sci-Fi TV & Movies (Updated 20160617)
This is to keep track of what I've seen and would like to see. My memory is not great. I might as well have an easily-accessible list.
This is not an all-inclusive list. I'm just populating it as I think of things.
Do not chew me out for not having watched your favorite. I may have seen it and forgotten to list it. That being said, please tweet me your suggestion (@binkytoes). :-)
I am not interested in debating whether something on this list qualifies as sci-fi.
To Watch:
-Mr. Nobody (movie)
-Brazil (1985)
-BSG classic (series)
-Barbarella (movie, I keep falling asleep when I start it lol)
-LEXX
-Cleopatra 2525
-Sanctuary
-The Expanse
-Falling Skies (maybe?)
Watched:
Series
-Star Trek TOS
-Star Trek Voyager
-Star Trek DS9
-Star Trek TNG (almost all)
-Star Trek Enterprise
-Revolution (some)
-Firefly
-Continuum
-Doctor Who Reboot (trying to stay current)
-Doctor Who Classic (all that's available for legal streaming via Netflix and/or Amazon Prime Instant)
-Sliders (some)
-Red Dwarf (all, including TV movie & 2012 episodes)
-Battlestar Galactica reboot
-Eureka
-Warehouse 13 (some)
-The 4400
-Falling Skies (some)
-Farscape (including Peacekeeper Wars)
-Stargate: SG-1
-Stargate: Atlantis
-Stargate: Universe
-Terra Nova
-The Tomorrow People (1 episode)
-Under the Dome (1 episode?)
-Extant (S01)
-The 100 (S01)
-Defiance (trying to stay current)
-Dark Matter (S01)
Movies
-Serenity
-Star Trek (not sure which/how many off the top of my head)
-Star Wars (not sure which/how many off the top of my head)
-Mars Attacks
-Cherry 2000
-Stargate
-Stargate: Continuum
-Stargate: The Ark of Truth
-Ex Machina
-Bladerunner
-2001: A Space Odyssey
-2010: The Year We Make Contact
-Brainstorm
-ET
-Contact
-Dune
-Equilibrium (1/3)
-A.I.
-Avatar
-BTTF (pretty sure I've seen all)
-Close Encounters
-District 9
-The Matrix
-Robocop
-Terminator (all)
-Total Recall
-War of the Worlds (Tom Cruise version)
-The Day the Earth Stood Still (yet can never remember the phrase "Klaatu barada nikto." Earth would've been F'd if it'd been up to me to deliver the message.)
-Gattaca
-The Fifth Element
-Looper
-Elysium
-Snowpiercer
-Edge of Tomorrow
-John Carter (AND LIKED IT)
-Men in Black (all)
-Independence Day (first)
-I, Robot
-After Earth
-Oblivion
-Vanilla Sky
-Minority Report
-The Brother from Another Planet
-Starman
-The Last Starfighter
-The Abyss
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This is not an all-inclusive list. I'm just populating it as I think of things.
Do not chew me out for not having watched your favorite. I may have seen it and forgotten to list it. That being said, please tweet me your suggestion (@binkytoes). :-)
I am not interested in debating whether something on this list qualifies as sci-fi.
To Watch:
-Mr. Nobody (movie)
-Brazil (1985)
-BSG classic (series)
-Barbarella (movie, I keep falling asleep when I start it lol)
-LEXX
-Cleopatra 2525
-Sanctuary
-The Expanse
-Falling Skies (maybe?)
Watched:
Series
-Star Trek TOS
-Star Trek Voyager
-Star Trek DS9
-Star Trek TNG (almost all)
-Star Trek Enterprise
-Revolution (some)
-Firefly
-Continuum
-Doctor Who Reboot (trying to stay current)
-Doctor Who Classic (all that's available for legal streaming via Netflix and/or Amazon Prime Instant)
-Sliders (some)
-Red Dwarf (all, including TV movie & 2012 episodes)
-Battlestar Galactica reboot
-Eureka
-Warehouse 13 (some)
-The 4400
-Falling Skies (some)
-Farscape (including Peacekeeper Wars)
-Stargate: SG-1
-Stargate: Atlantis
-Stargate: Universe
-Terra Nova
-The Tomorrow People (1 episode)
-Under the Dome (1 episode?)
-Extant (S01)
-The 100 (S01)
-Defiance (trying to stay current)
-Dark Matter (S01)
Movies
-Serenity
-Star Trek (not sure which/how many off the top of my head)
-Star Wars (not sure which/how many off the top of my head)
-Mars Attacks
-Cherry 2000
-Stargate
-Stargate: Continuum
-Stargate: The Ark of Truth
-Ex Machina
-Bladerunner
-2001: A Space Odyssey
-2010: The Year We Make Contact
-Brainstorm
-ET
-Contact
-Dune
-Equilibrium (1/3)
-A.I.
-Avatar
-BTTF (pretty sure I've seen all)
-Close Encounters
-District 9
-The Matrix
-Robocop
-Terminator (all)
-Total Recall
-War of the Worlds (Tom Cruise version)
-The Day the Earth Stood Still (yet can never remember the phrase "Klaatu barada nikto." Earth would've been F'd if it'd been up to me to deliver the message.)
-Gattaca
-The Fifth Element
-Looper
-Elysium
-Snowpiercer
-Edge of Tomorrow
-John Carter (AND LIKED IT)
-Men in Black (all)
-Independence Day (first)
-I, Robot
-After Earth
-Oblivion
-Vanilla Sky
-Minority Report
-The Brother from Another Planet
-Starman
-The Last Starfighter
-The Abyss
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
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