Thursday, September 17, 2015

Diary 8

September 17, 2015

I went through some stuff in my room today. I had many bankers boxes of papers and god knows what else all tossed in together and stacked in my room. Depression & anxiety does not play around. Its mantra is, "Fuck this, fuck that, you don't deserve to be able to see the carpet." I didn't exactly do a lot of filing, but I threw away lots of junk mail (YES I had junk mail from 2010) and receipts. I still have a dozen boxes to go. Egads, I know.

I finally FINALLY finished putting together my desk. I moved into this house in 2009. I have an L-shaped glass desk. I think I put together a half of it so I could have SOMETHING in 2010 or 2011. Today I finally put the entire thing together. There's so much room for activities!

I even found my bookends in a box! I put my study materials on my actual desk so that they can stare at me while I browse things online that will in no way determine my earning power.

Among the office supplies & old receipts in the boxes was a Queen box set, a compilation CD of the music they played at the Frankfurt Galaxy American football games in the late '90s, and a CD with about 15 pictures of a vacation I took with then-friends in 2003. So much fun listening to that music again and looking through those pictures! Great memories that I probably wouldn't have revisited today if I hadn't decided to find the junk mail to throw away in one single box.

We made pork chops & spinach for supper. That's all I had to eat all day besides coffee & milk. I consider it intermittent fasting. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat. I didn't miss the food. I hope I have more days like that. Maybe the pictures I found today will help remind me of what it takes to get back down to my 2001 weight (I'd already gained 15 lbs in 2003).

Tonight I'm grateful for being able to remember some good times. I can't remember them all, and I feel like I should be able to remember more than I do. I don't know if it was the decade of medications or the insomnia that they caused. In any case, it makes me sad. So I'm super grateful that I can remember some.

I'm also grateful for the odd day when I feel super motivated and not hungry. I don't know whether that's hypomania or the pills I'm on for my cold sore. Meh. Doesn't matter, still cleaned.

Take care.